I know it's Friday now, but we finished the raid at 11:45pm, so it counts. I promise.
Five of us chilling in the tower. Me, my wife, and three of our raid buddies. Waiting on a sixth guy from somewhere so we can get started. We're just kind of dicking around, jumping and stuff. This 28 walks over and starts jumping around with us, trying to get in on the fun. Wife is like "yo, inspect this guy and see if he's any good".
I check him out - he's got all legendaries and a 300 truth. Nothing fancy though - no raid gear. Checked his shader out for kicks, and saw he had a timebreaker. Well, he's done it before, so why not? I invite him, he accepts. No mic, but no big deal, timebreaker only drops from Atheon so he must have killed him at least once. We get our asses on the road to victory.
Henceforth, I shall refer to this man as Space Jesus. This is the true story of how he scraped our lard-filled asses off the floor with the greatest thanksgiving day miracle I shall ever witness.
Raid is going along alright. Kind of hairy at times, but no wipes. Cheese the templar off the ledge, but screw up and miss the secret chest. No biggy, just 2 ascendant materials. One raid buddy leaves after the templar - we thought he disconnected, but he never rejoined, so I guess that was it for him. Whatever, you don't need 6 people for gorgon's labyrinth anyway, so we have time to pick up another guy.
Trying to get to the right side chest, we screw up and get seen. On the stats screen after the wipe, I see Space Jesus has 250 kills. All the rest of us mortals have like 100, so my first thought is "holy shit - is that right? we picked this kid up off the tower, there's no way he mopped the floor with us like that". I was stupid. So, so stupid.
Get through gorgon's labyrinth without too much trouble. Some guy joins up around the time we start platforming. Never seen him before, probably a friend of a friend. Doesn't matter, have six people.
Start the gatekeepers. Space Jesus and I are on portal team. I die the first round, Space Jesus saves my nooby ass and we make it to the venus portal - but we forgot the conflux in the middle, so we wipe anyway. Whatever, we have a plan.
Plan works out a wipe or two later. I ended up dying with the relic because a minotaur melee'd me and I am a peasant, but through some dark magic it worked out fine, because the timer ran out and we got rewards before I doomed our asses to oblivion.
Atheon spawns. Figure we're gonna get this done in a couple of wipes, this is a decent team.
Nope. Friend of a friend doesn't seem like he's ever done this before, keeps getting blown up by supplicants because he doesn't get up on the pillars. Doesn't always shoot at oracles because he's probably really confused. Ends up leaving after about 15 wipes. Can't really blame him, honestly. Poor bastard missed out though.
There are now five of us: Me, my wife, two raid buddies, and Space Jesus. We put out a few lines for more people, but it's thanksgiving night - most people are in turkey comas. We push on with just the five of us, and somehow manage to not get totally glitched out all the time.
About five wipes later, we have this really good run. We get sent to mars like 4 times in a row (screw that minotaur on venus). I've got the relic and Atheon is almost dead. Time's vengeance is running out though, and we aren't going to make it. I call bail. But everyone is paying attention to Atheon. Can't blame them, we were so close. Too late - barrier is down. Atheon unleashes hell upon us, and a plethora of "guardian down" messages hit our sorry ass ears.
Only two made it out. Our two raid buddies and myself are dead in the middle. My wife gets teleported alone.
We have nearly won. Half the fireteam is dead. My wife is stranded. Oracles are going to end our miserable lives in 15 seconds. There are only two people in the glass throne: Atheon, and Space Jesus.
This is it.
Space Jesus pops radiance. Grabs truth. He had no mic, but I can only assume he let out a blood curdling battlecry that would have rallied ten thousand guardians, and struck fear in to the dull, black hearts of a million fallen. He starts throwing fusion grenades like it's the fucking olympics. Fires off two rockets. Doesn't even stop to reload, no time - gets out his scout rifle and unloads on Atheon.
He kills him. Atheon's flaming, lifeless corpse melts into the ground. Two seconds later, we succumb to the oracles, Space Jesus and my wife die, and the wipe icon shows up.
Doesn't matter. Rewards are dished out, mission complete pops up. The wipe icon disappears.
He did it. He fucking did it. Space Jesus fucking killed Atheon at the last screaming instant.
No one can handle it. Everyone is shitting their pants. Did that actually just happen? Did we really just win? I get a popup on my screen.
A message has been received.
Sender: Space Jesus
Subject: clutch
You're fucking right it was clutch.
I hop on destiny DB and check the stats for that raid. I come in at a paltry, obese second - 297 kills, 34 deaths. 8.7 k/d.
Space Jesus pulls a ridiculous 484 with 27 deaths - 17.9 k/d.
Shout out to the MVP of thanksgiving - to the best random ass person I ever picked up from the tower. I only hope, one day, that I will be as badass as you. Godspeed, you glorious bastard.
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