TELEVISION
Proper statistics by clever people reveal that TV watching is a hobby in decline. We'd rather spend our evenings playing games or on the internet or playing games on the internet, it seems. And with Xbox 360 sort of combining all of those things and giving you the chance to chat with your mates as you do everything too, the humble hobby of watching telly in awkward silence with the family is definitely on the way out.
Prediction: STOP WATCHING TV IN: 2007
YOUR SKY TV BOX
Oh yeah, this is the worst-kept secret ever, even worse kept than the one about Elton John liking men best. Xbox 360 will, eventually, one day, perhaps some time soon, be upgraded to function as a Sky+/TIVO personal TV recorder machine. There's no doubt about it. It's as certain to happen as you getting a Terry's Chocolate Orange off someone this Christmas. It's the future, it's Microsoft's dream of you being totally dependent on their hardware, like it's a life support machine, and a future where Xbox 360 is home to your TV programmes and videogames. It's going to happen. For definite. Start making arrangements.
Prediction: THROW YOUR SKY BOX AWAY IN: 2008
YOUR OLD XBOX
Bye, old pal. Cheerio, mate. Arrivaderci, mon frère. We had some good years, especially that first year where the only game we played was Halo, and the only thing we did was stay at home and play Halo and every games magazine only wrote about Halo. What a year that was - everyone thought we were dead we stayed inside so much! No, the time has come to get your old Xbox, put it in a cardboard box, and stick it up in the attic to rest. You might think you'll play it again one day, but you won't, because Xbox 360 will play most of the best old Xbox games anyway (if you've got the flash hard drive model), so there's no point. In fact forget sticking it in the loft - get the thing on eBay before the price plummets.
Prediction: THROW YOUR XBOX AWAY IN: 2005
THE CINEMA
Here's another really poorly kept secret. This one's as poorly kept as the secret about cigarettes giving you cancer. Xbox 360 will very soon start letting you buy and watch highdefinition movies through the internet. When you can do this, paying seven pounds to squeeze into a small chair with no leg room and listen to kids eating crisps at the cinema will seem like the worst idea for something to do in the world.
Prediction: DESERT YOUR CINEMA IN: 2008
DEAD ALREADY
FIVE THINGS XBOX 360 HAS ALREADY EFFORTLESSLY CRUSHED!
1) GAMECUBE
It had a good innings. No wait, that's a lie! It had a rubbish innings! There were only about two games worth playing on it, and even they were only any good if you liked being an asexual child and exploring dungeons. If it wasn't for Xbox this might have been a contender. In the end, the plastic used on it would've been better spent making false legs for landmine victims.
2) MUSICIANS
Who needs a game soundtrack now you can listen to your own tunes while you play? Not us. Now we can listen to our eclectic selection of ironic 1980s remixes and that new Madonna album while we beat everyone at Gotham 3, rendering the poor videogame musicians worthless and unemployed. See that tramp at the bus stop? He did the music for Halo. Tragic.
YOUR OLD TV
Even though that Goldtech Euroview Unitext 14" OneColour portable TV has been in your family since granddad stole it on his way back through France at the end of the Second World War, it's time to let it go. Xbox and now Xbox 360 has pioneered the use of highdefinition displays, meaning, in layman's terms, it's time for you to spend a grand on a really huge new telly.
4) PLAYSTATION 3
No, it's not out yet, but Microsoft's fox-like early strike has sent poor old Sony bananas. So PS3 will now either be cheap and not an improvement on Xbox 360, or really expensive and a small improvement over Xbox 360 but too much money for anyone to buy. Either way, there's no point bothering to make it and Sony's totally busted.
5) SPLIT-SCREEN GAMING
"Half a screen, granddad? What do you mean 'half a screen'?" - that's what a child might say a mere five years from now - a youngster raised on the online thrills of Xbox 360 where everyone has a whole screen to themselves. Split-screen gaming is, and always has been, rubbish. You can never see! It's stupid and fortunately, dying out.
YOUR DVD PLAYER
Xbox 360 plays DVDs straight away as soon as you've worked out which holes to plug all the wires in, with none of this stupid 'having to buy another thing to make it work' business that ruined the first Xbox. Better still, you can access your Xbox Live Friends list as you watch, making it a kind of weird futuristic media portal convergence thing. Ever yone likes those! And it plays DVDs in 480p too, which means that owners of high-definition sets get a better picture from decent DVDs as well. Not only is it a replacement, it's a better replacement.
Prediction: THROW YOUR DVD PLAYER AWAY IN: 2006
THE WHOLE INTERNET
Yeah, that's right. Xbox Live is going to evolve over the next few years, as a series of steps change it from a gaming service into your one-stop information and shopping supercentre. It's going to be, like, The Internet II - and this time it's angry. You'll be able to download movies through Xbox Live in a couple of years' time, you mark our words. You'll have to pay for it, mind, so don't get too excited. It's not like the current internet where everything's free.
Prediction: THROW YOUR, ER, INTERNET PLAYER AWAY IN: 2007
THE FINANCIAL SYSTEM
Forget the Euro, it's the Microsoft Points system that's the biggest threat to the British pound. Already we're desperate for more, after spending thousands buying most of the Xbox Live Arcade games to see if any of them were fun for more than five minutes. The option to buy more Microsoft Points with your credit card through Xbox 360 is massively dangerous, and could lead to financial ruin - especially for people with children that are yet to learn about the importance of willpower and the true value of money. It's all about the Points. If Microsoft lets you start selling things on Xbox Live, all money will be obsolete and we'll be starting new careers as Tony Hawk skatepark designers.
Prediction: ABOLISH THE POUND IN: 2009
STILL HANGING IN THERE! NOT KILLED BY XBOX 360 - YET
1) IPOD
Enjoy it while it lasts, Apple. Xbox 360 is bigger, whiter and cooler than your metrosexual little music box, and you can bet your rounded white arse that Microsoft's going to be getting in on the portable music-providing service scene via Xbox 360 soon.
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: 18 months
2) PSP
Ahh, poor little PSP! Six months ago you were like the coolest little thing - now you're just a posh carrying case for our Memory Stick. No one's talking about you anymore, especially now we've realised all your games are shit five-year-old ones from PlayStation 2. Bye!
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: three months
TELEVISION PROGRAMMES
We don't call a television a television anymore, we call it an "Xbox 360 screen". Why would you want to watch EastEnders when you can play Gotham 3 against real people? Seriously, watching TV like a motionless vegetable is on the way out. Just you wait.
Prediction: TIME TILL DEATH: four years
GAME SHOPS
Yeah, sorry to break this news to you if you're reading this in your lunch break in the kitchen of the game shop you work in, but high street game shops are on the way out. Many PC games already use online delivery to cut out the shops and ensure more money goes to the game makers, and Xbox 360 - with its hard drive and online access - is ideal for taking this direct selling scheme out to console owners. At the moment you can download demos for free (although it takes hours, even on the fastest current broadband connection), and you can be sure this will be expanded to full-on, gamebuying via Xbox Live download in the not too distant future. Xbox Live mini-game Marble Blast Ultra is only available to buy via Xbox Live download - and expect more to go the same way as Microsoft dips its massive, corporate toes in the online shopping water.
Prediction: BOARD UP YOUR 'BRICKS AND MORTAR' RETAIL OUTLET IN: 2008
SONY CORP
And once PlayStation 3 is crushed Sony's going to lose its cash cow and will, by this time next year, be bought by Microsoft. Microsoft will then use Sony's resources to manufacture cardboard boxes to put Xbox 360 in. And even then they'll crumple up and break too easily, like most Sony hardware.
Prediction: THROW SONY AWAY IN: 2006
YOUR PC
Who's going to want to return to the cold room your PC's kept in after enjoying the sofa-based Xbox 360 lifestyle? No one. We're not ones to put ideas into Microsoft's brain, but we're damn sure the omnipresent übercorporation wants every house to have its little white box under a TV plugged right into the internet. Developers are making games for Xbox 360 instead of PC, leading to a shift in the very fabric of the game universe. You're so doomed, beige box. Just because you can connect to Xbox 360 doesn't mean you're indispensable.
Prediction: THROW YOUR PC AWAY IN: 2007
PLAYSTATION 3
Ooh, do they still make PlayStations? Didn't they used to be big in the 1990s? Well, they might as well not bother anymore, thanks to Xbox 360. Game developers prefer Xbox 360's ease of use and proven online systems, with fewer and fewer games remaining exclusive to Sony's ageing 'lifestyle'- branded machine. Xbox 360 has stolen Final Fantasy and Ridge Racer, with plenty more former PlayStation exclusives crossing over to the white side. Seriously, if anyone from Sony is reading this, you might as well not even bother making PlayStation 3 now. Email your boss and tell him you're quitting and he's wasting his time, then steal lots of stuff from the office and walk out. There's
just no need!
Prediction: DON'T BOTHER BUYING A PLAYSTATION 3 IN: 2006
YOUR MOBILE
Seriously. Talking into a bit of plastic crudely held to your ear is going to seem so rubbish when the Xbox 360 Camera comes out next year. Imagine being able to video chat with all your friends, in a little window while playing games, or while watching TV - or just sitting in your individual houses. You could also use it for flirting with complete strangers! That alone will have half the population running out to get one. This is going to be the most exciting and also frightening window into the online community the world has ever seen.
Prediction: THROW YOUR MOBILE AWAY IN: 2008
SOCIETY
Imagine if Xbox 360 and its communication and network gaming and community aspects really take off. Imagine one in every house, and everyone video-camera-ing and spying on each other while they watch TV and play games together. We're not saying Xbox 360 will definitely change the ver y fabric of modern society, just that there's quite a chance it actually might.
Prediction: EXIST VIRTUALLY IN: 2009
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